A Twisted Christmas
by Zencreation
Summary: ONESHOT SXS and SelphieXIrvine pairings. This is Kursed SeeD's and my Christmas Present to all those who faithfully review our stories! ENJOY! and Merry Christmas to you ALL!


A/N: This is a Christmas Present to all those who faithfully review mine and Jen's stories! Seeing as how we both have quite a few of the same reviewers and wanted to give you guys something special. So here it is! Enjoy and please tell us what you think about it!!  
  


**A Twisted Christmas**  
  


"You want me to what?! No fuckin' way!" Seifer's voice echoed throughout the hallway.

"Shhh!" Selphie hissed, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him into her room. "Don't be so loud, I want it to be a surprise!"

"Selphie, there is no way on Hyne's green earth that I'm going to host the Christmas Ball." Seifer replied, pushing the small brunette away from him.

"But... Seifer, you have to! It'd be so great! You can use your own material and everything!"

"So I can just make a fool out of myself? I think not." The blonde scoffed.

Seifer started towards the exit but Selphie jumped in front of him, barring his path. "But... what if... what if I could I give you something in return? Something you've always wanted!"

That was enough to give hesitation to Seifer's steps. A small look of curiosity passed over his face before he laughed. "What do you possibly have that I could ever want, Tilmitt?"

Selphie frowned and poked him, "Not me…. Squall."

Seifer stared at her, surprised. Squall was his fucking boyfriend, for Hyne's sake! He didn't need Selphie's help to get him!

"Come on, Seifer... if you do this... I promise you can have Squall..."

Seifer quickly regained his composure and laughed. "Selphie, I already have Squall."

"Yes, but do you-" Selphie rose up on the balls of her feet, whispering into the blondes' ear quietly.

Seifer almost fell over in shock when the brunette was through. Was she serious?

"So, will you do it or not?" Selphie asked after a moment, smiling sweetly.

"Alright." Seifer finally said, smiling wickedly. "But you better deliver, Tilmitt."

Selphie threw her fists up in the air, "Yes! I promise! You won't regret this!"

Seifer didn't think he would.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Selphie, you did WHAT?!"

Selphie tittered and backed away from the desk, which Squall had just risen from. "Well, you see... I needed a MC, and Seifer would be perfect for the job, so..."

"So you just decided to whore me out?!"

"Heh, heh, heh." Selphie began to walk backwards, ever so slowly, a nervous grin plastered on her face. "It's not whoring you out exactly. I mean, come on, you and Seifer are already a couple and... y'know..."

"Selphie, I am NOT into cross-dressing!" Squall cried, throwing his hands up in the air. He closed his eyes, feeling the rage beginning to build up in him. Was this some kind of game to them or something? He wasn't some sick freak. Just because he looked like a girl doesn't mean he... "I am NOT doing this."

"Please, Squall...? I REALLY need you to do this favour for me... it's only once, and I promise no one will find out."

Squall snorted. Seifer would probably want to walk around Garden, boasting of his conquest. Of his 'pretty, precious princess'. Not that Seifer was that cruel, just that Seifer would find it too good of an opportunity to pass up.

"I am willing to pay you 15,000 gil if you do it."

Squall's head jerked upwards. 15,000 gil? "Are you prostituting me now?!" This day was definitely getting worse by the minute.

"Oh, come on, Squall. I'm sure you'll have fun. And it's an easy job."

Squall sighed and sat back down in his chair. "Easy my ass.... I don't even know how to-"

"Don't worry, me and Quistis will fix you right up!"

"Quistis?!" Again Squall's head jerked upwards. Quistis knew about this? Squall wanted to sink further down in his chair, just disappear entirely.

"Oh, come on! Quisty and me won't tell anyone! You know you can trust us!" Selphie stuck out her lower lip, batting her eyelashes.

"......"

"Squall, stop being such a meanie! Seifer will absolutely love this! I bet it'll be the best Christmas present he's ever received!"

Squall bit his lip. He felt dirty for even considering it, but Selphie was right. It would make a hell of a Christmas gift... and he had been wanting to get Seifer something special...

'Aw, hell, you only live once, right?'

Squall stood up, nodding to himself. "You better pay up, Tilmitt." He said, keeping his expression neutral. Underneath, he was both scared and anxious. Perhaps it could be fun.

For the second time that day, a loud "WOOHOO!" was heard echoing throughout the Garden.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Selphie tapped the microphone to gain everyone's attention. "Ahem! Could everyone listen for a minute?"

Gradually, people stopped talking and turned towards the small brunette, who was clad in her familiar ensemble of yellow, but with red and green ribbons in her hair. "We have a great show for you tonight, folks!" She called out after every single pair of eyes was on her. "But, that's not for me to talk about! We have a very special MC tonight, so let's give it up for him!"

Selphie waited a few moments, letting the tension build throughout the room. She knew every person, or at least most of them she hoped, were wondering, 'Who?' When she was satisfied that she had made them wait long enough, she smiled brightly and lifted up her hand. "And presenting this years MC, who I had to practically promise the moon to get him to do it, SEIFER ALMASY!!"

Seifer stepped out from behind the red curtain. Not a single person spoke. There were no cheers, but there were also no boos. Of course there was no applause either but it was progress to Selphie.

Seifer walked up to the stage, taking the microphone Selphie offered him. He stared out at the crowd nervously. He hadn't realised there would be so many people present. He ran a finger under his collar, cursing the person who had decided to place such a bright light on him.

"Whew tough crowd!" He said after a moment, trying to think of what to say. "Sooo…. Uhmm. As most of you know I am currently working with Dr. Kadowaki as her nurse. I do intend on becoming a doctor someday but I am having a bit of a problem……. see Dr. Kadowaki doesn't like my approach to medicine and I really need your opinion……….. Lemme give you an example of my fine doctorial skills and you be the judge."

Seifer knew exactly what he was going to say now, which example to give. He smiled wickedly and continued. "Dr. Kadowaki came into the infirmary last week and found Zell leaning against the wall and she asked me what was wrong him. To which I replied, well, he came in here this morning with a cough and since you weren't here to tell me where to find the cough syrup I treated him using an entire box of laxatives."

Seifer had to cough to keep from laughing. He saw Zell glaring at him. "Now I am here to tell you that Dr. Kadowaki yelled at me! She did……. She yelled "YOU IDIOT!!! You can't treat a cough with LAXATIVES!!"

Seifer couldn't help but snicker when Zell raised his fists up. "OF COURSE YOU CAN", I yelled back... "Just look at him he's afraid to cough!"

Zell started to make his way towards Seifer, but Irvine stopped him, grabbing the smaller blonde and holding him down. Zell managed to free one of his hands, which he promptly raised up and flipped Seifer off. "FUCKER!" He screamed out, much to Seifer's amusement.

The crowd began to laugh, pointing at Zell and whispering. Oh yes, this would definitely be fun.

When the crowd had calmed down and Irvine had made sure Zell wasn't going to escape and try to kill Seifer, the blonde began to speak again. "Okay now that I have your attention… we have a lot of entertainment this year, but before I introduce them, I want to get you into the Christmas Spirit with a traditional Carol… feel free to sing along if you like!"

Seifer turned to Quistis, who was sitting at a piano, waiting to play. He nodded, and she laid her hands down on the keys. The tune of Jingle Bells began to fill the air.

Seifer turned back to the crowd and cleared his throat. Then he began to sing:

"Rinoa stalks the halls,  
Just looking for a lay.  
Squall's headed for the hills,  
Laughing all the way!!"

The audience howled with laughter. Zell laughed hardest of all. His loud "HA, HA, HA!" was heard above everyone else and the music. Seifer rolled his eyes.

"Okay ZELL!! Enough already!!! It wasn't THAT funny!!…………  
ANYWAY!!! …………….Next Verse!!" Seifer began to sing again.

"Bells on Irvine's thing,  
Selphie sure ain't right!  
What fun they must have really had,  
In Quisty's room Last Night!!

OH!!!

Jingle Bells Squall sure yells,  
As he's getting laid!  
I can't complain, I'm not a SeeD,  
But still I'm getting paid!"

"HEY!!" Squall yelled out, shooting Seifer a dangerous glance.

"He he heeee………..next verse!!" Seifer said quickly, before the Commander decided to get up and hurt him.

"Jingle Bells here she dwells,  
Quisty's loads of fun.  
She works all day,  
And doesn't play,  
She should become a nun!

"Order of Our Lady of the Iron Underwear don't ya know!" Seifer called out to the crowd, drawing even more laughter.

"You're really twisted Seifer!" Quistis shouted at him, still playing the piano.

Seifer smiled at her. "Why thank you, that's the nicest thing you have said to me all year……next verse!!"

"A day or two ago,  
Zell needed a new date.  
The last one threw him out,  
Cause he asked if they could mate!

I'm here to tell you folks,  
That poultry's out of luck.  
He just needs to find himself  
A crazy chocobo to fuck!

OH!!

Jingle Bells tip those scales,  
Selphie's gaining weight!  
It's plain to see,  
Even to me,  
That Irvine's sealed his fate!"

Irvine looked up in shock, releasing his grip on Zell, who promptly fell to the floor with a loud thud, gaining even more laughter from the audience. "WHAT?!" The cowboy screamed, looking as shocked as could possibly be. Selphie's little "Tee-hee" was heard from behind the stage.

Seifer shook his head sadly. "Man you gotta keep up here! I ain't repeating myself!" He began to sing the last verse.

"Jingle Bells her belly swells,  
His roaming days are through!  
No longer the lone cowboy,  
I'm glad I'm not in his shoes!"

As the music ended, everyone stood up, clapping and cheering wildly. Some were calling for an encore, much to Seifer's amusement.

It took several minutes for the crowd to calm down enough for Seifer's voice to be heard. When it finally did, he spoke again. "You know……. When Selphie asked me to be this years Christmas MC, I didn't wanna do it……. But I am finding that it all ain't so bad once you write your own material!! Oh and Irvine? I meant what I said! You only got two choices here and even though both of them look pretty grim, I would be for making the right choice and be the father you never had."

Irvine still stood where he had previously, still not quite believing or understanding what he had heard. Selphie was...? But how...? Okay, dumb question, but hey! He began to fidget nervously.

Seifer flashed another prize-winning smile at the crowd and bowed. "Thanks everybody and now on with the show!!!" He turned back around to Quistis and nodded to her. Then he walked off stage as the band began to play a rendition of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer."

"Seifer, how'd you know?!" Selphie squealed the moment he walked backstage, tackling him and hugging him tightly.

"That wasn't very nice, Seifer." Quistis said, frowning slightly.

Seifer raised his eyebrows in mock surprise. "What? You mean she really is pregnant? I had no clue!"

"Tee-hee!" Selphie cried, poking Seifer lightly. "Aw, don't tell me you haven't been noticing my weight gain."

"Couldn't tell." He replied, winking slightly.

"Poor Irvine, though." Quistis commented, hiding her smile behind her hand. Irvine's look of shock really had been priceless.

"Yeah, I'll have to talk to him later." Selphie replied, still smiling brightly.

"Well, ladies. I've done my part." Seifer said after a few moments. His head hurt from all the noise, he just wanted to take a few aspirin and lay down for a bit.

"Right!" Selphie cried, throwing her fists up into the air. "Now we'll go do ours!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"How is this...... Christmasy?" Squall asked after a few moments.

"Well... we wanted to do something original... so, you know... 'sides, who is expecting you to be dressed like the Goddess of Love on Christmas?!" Selphie replied cheerfully.

"I look like a moron."

"You do not! And stop looking at that mirror until we're done!" Selphie cried, yanking the small compact mirror out of Squall's hands.

"Just lay back and relax and we'll be done in no time." Quistis said, applying some blush to Squall's pale cheeks.

"Hmph."

A few moments later, after Selphie had decided that the make-up looked all right, the two women stood back to admire their work.

Squall opened his eyes when Quistis' let out a low whistle. "That bad, huh?"

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Come on, now all we have to do is get you dressed."

"Do I even want to know what I'm wearing?" Squall asked warily, standing up and stretching.

"This!" Selphie cried, holding up a sheer white garment.

Squalls jaw nearly hit the floor. "You HAVE to be kidding me!"

"Nope! Tee-hee! Don't worry! You'll look so cute!"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Seifer sighed to himself. He had been waiting in his room for almost an hour, and Squall still hadn't shown up. He picked up his phone and dialed the number to Selphie's cell phone.

"Heeeeelllllllllo?"

"Selphie, what in the hell is going on?"

"Oh, HI BOB!"

"Bob? What in the fuck? No, this is Seifer. SEIFER!"

"Yeah, Bob, I know I promised to have those decorations to you a.s.a.p. and I swear they will be there in thirty minutes or your pizza's free!"

"Selphie? Are you on crack?"

"Great, talk to ya later, Bob!"

"Selphie, don't you hang up on me, woman!"

The line went dead. Seifer rolled his eyes and hung up. Squall had probably been there. If he didn't have his boyfriend back in thirty minutes, he damn well better get a pizza... whatever that was code word for. Knowing Selphie, it was something kinky. Not that Seifer Almasy ever minded a little kink.

Seifer lay back down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Nothing to do, nothing to do. His mind began to wander.

The Jingle Bell song had really been a hit at the party. Most of it had been made up off of the top of his head, but hey, it had worked.

"Maybe I should go into the song-making business." He said, chuckling slightly. Seifer Almasy, a song-maker. Right.

But, he could make a song to pass the time. He decided to use Jingle Bells again, since the song was so annoyingly catchy he hadn't been able to get it out of his head.

Keeping his voice quiet, he began to sing.

"Christmas Day is here  
And I can hardly wait  
I'm waiting in this room  
Till I can see my date

They say he's looking good  
And that they're almost through  
I'm bored and counting ceiling tiles  
Cause there's nothing else to do

Jingle Bells I'm into males  
The ladies all are sad  
But if they had to deal with Squall  
I'm sure they'd all go mad

Jingle Bells his moans and wails  
Are coming through the door  
They don't know he can be heard  
Clear down on the next floor"

Just then, a knock sounded on the door. Seifer stopped singing and smiled to himself. "Come in."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

'I can do this, I can do this... oh Hyne, I can't do this...'

"Don't worry, Squall! You'll be fine!" Selphie cried, seeing his rapidly declining will power.

"Yeah, get going and make us proud!" Quistis echoed, giving Squall a little push towards Seifer's door.

Squall took a deep breath and raised his hand to knock. "I want you both to know... I hate you."

Selphie giggled slightly. "We know!"

Squall rolled his eyes and knocked on the door. After a few moments he heard Seifer's familiar, "Come in!"

"Good luck." Quistis whispered as he opened the door and let himself inside.

'Yeah, and merry fucking Christmas to you, too...' he thought to himself.

"Seifer? Where are you?" He asked, stumbling through the dark. "Hyne damn this dress." He cursed.

"In the bed, sweetheart!"

The brunette rolled his eyes at Seifer's playful tone and pushed open the door to Seifer's bedroom. He walked inside, the only light a few candles Seifer had lit here and there. He stood at the end of Seifer's bed, the blonde laying down, staring up at him, and took a deep breath.

"Merry Christmas, Seifer."

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Seifer's breath stuck in his throat as he gazed at Squall. He really did need to thank Selphie profusely. Squall was gorgeous, no... beyond fucking gorgeous, this man was a god... er... goddess... well, he was supreme, okay?!

Seifer took the time to study Squall intensely, causing the smaller man to blush slightly. His face had a golden tint to it, which only set to maximize his natural beauty. His eyelids had been dusted a soft pink, his lips stained red.

Long chocolate curls rested on Squall's shoulders. Seifer knew it was only a wig, but it looked like it was natural. The blonde had to resist the urge to reach up and run his fingers through the, what he knew would be, silky soft strands. Apparently Selphie Tilmitt never did anything half-assed. When she wanted to do something, she went all out.

If Seifer had had to pick a favourite part of the ensemble, it would have been the dress Squall was wearing. It was a sheer, white dress that fell below his knees. The gauzy material looked like it had been made from the heavens, especially meant for this night. And the way it wrapped around Squall's body... dear Hyne, the mere thought of it was enough to make Seifer weak in the knees. And Seifer Almasy never got weak in the knees.

"I hope you like it." Squall said quietly after a moment. Seifer lifted his gaze to Squall's face again, searching his eyes. He realised Squall was feeling a bit nervous, anxious for Seifer's approval.

"I love it... and I love you..." Seifer whispered, finally reaching up and pulling the young man, his lover, into the bed with him.

Seifer rolled over on top of Squall and kissed him gently.

"Now... since I gave you such a wonderful Christmas gift... how about you give me one in return?" Squall asked, feigning shyness.

Seifer smiled seductively, "I suppose I could... but I'll have to work awful hard to top that."

"I don't mind." Squall replied, reaching up and kissing him hungrily.

It was going to be a long night... a very long night... a night of never ending passion, of a love so................oh hell, they're gonna fuck like monkeys and we all know it, okay?!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~THE NEXT MORNING~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"SEIFER!"

The scream shattered through the cafeteria, startling... well, everybody!

Selphie stared when Seifer came skidding into the cafeteria a few moments later; running like the devil himself was after him. (And it was Seifer Almasy... so the devil just might have been.)

"SEIFER! IF YOU DO IT, I WILL KILL YOU!"

Squall ran in the cafeteria, following Seifer, Lionheart in hand. "Get back here, Almasy!!!"

Seifer kept running, throwing chairs to block Squall's path. "Quistis!"

"...Um, yes?" Quistis asked nervously from her seat at the piano, where she had been trying to figure out a new song to write. (Yes, there's a PIANO in the CAFETERIA, leave me ALONE!)

"Do me a favour and play Jingle Bells!" He shouted.

"Quistis, do it and die!" Squall shouted, still chasing after Seifer, throwing chairs out of his way.

"Well, I... um... that is, I..." Quistis stuttered.

Selphie slapped the instructor on her back. "C'mon, Quisty! You heard the man! Play Jingle Bells!"

"Yeah!!" Several people shouted, curious to hear what Seifer had in store.

Quistis took a deep breath and began to play.

A few moments later, still running from Squall, now throwing junior class men in to stop the Commander from catching him, Seifer began to sing.

"Dashing through my room  
With one shoe in his hand  
Over the couch he goes  
Squealing when he lands

It's getting kind of rough  
He's looking for a fight  
Oh what I wouldn't give  
For the rest to see this sight!

Jingle Bells his butt he sells  
But only just for me  
And here I was thinking  
That he was doing it for free

Jingle Bells my dick it swells  
When I look at Squall  
Perhaps I shouldn't tell him  
That he looked just like a doll!"

People gaped at Seifer and Squall. Seifer now stood, smiling brightly, while the Commander stood a few feet away, too embarrassed to move.

"YEAH!! WE ROCK!! MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!!" Selphie shouted to break the silence.

Squall stalked over to Selphie and glared icily at her. "You better have that 15,000 gil for me by TONIGHT." He said and then promptly marched off.

Seifer tilted his head to the side. "I will be getting half that money there Tilmitt! Sort of hazard pay if you will!"

"Eh, heh, heh, heh."

"Shouldn't you be going after your boyfriend, Seifer? I don't think he's too happy with you." Irvine said after a moment of silence.

Seifer shot them a wicked grin. "Yeah, I should, but after the performance I gave last night, I doubt he's that unhappy with me."

Irvine shook his head as he watched Seifer leave the cafeteria. "Boy... this sure is one twisted Christmas."

"Yeah!" Selphie cried, throwing her arms around him. "And guess what?! It gets better! We're having sextuplets!... Irvy? Irvy, are you okay? Honey, speak to me! Don't look at me like that! Irvy! Hey, are you running away from me?! GET BACK HERE, MISTER!!!"

-  
-  
  


**MERRY CHRISTMAS!!**

**Love, Zen and Jen**  
  
  
  



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